What is the Pillars // Parents Project?
"Demographics" are at the core of many major news stories. Stories about immigration, economic growth, religion, rising prices, social security, international relations, and many other topics are heavily influenced by the number of children families are having. Historically, there was much hand-wringing in media about out-of-control population growth. But nowadays, you will find many more stories lamenting declining birth rates. We decided to investigate this issue at the local, individual level, by speaking to the people who are connected to this story in the deepest way: parents. By writing about parents in our communities — people who thanklessly undertake the essential, difficult, decades-long job of creating and raising the next generation — we can recognize them and add their stories to the public record. These "ordinary" people seldom get recognized by media!
By Mary McCarty
Karen Viets. Principal, wife, mother. But how did her upbringing lead her down her path and define her parenting style? To best understand her story, let’s start at the beginning.
Karen Viets is the middle child of three girls, born in August of 1971 on a United States military base in a country that no longer exists as it did – West Germany. Her stay in West Germany was short, only two months, before her dad went stateside to join the National Guard and work for the Forest Service in Jackson, Mississippi.
This move lasted five years before another move to Monticello, Arkansas. This small town was home for about eight years until her dad’s new company moved them to the big city of Charlotte, North Carolina, during her formative middle school years. She summed up this move simply, “I went from a town of about ten of thousand people to a town of thousands and thousands and hundreds of thousands of people. That probably impacted me more than anything.”
This move for her was a struggle, going from a small town to the big city was scary for her and caused her to shut down socially. She struggled to form new relationships with peers, and this had a big impact on her time throughout high school. While moving to Charlotte opened a lot more opportunities, those opportunities were overshadowed by busy parents and a controlling older sister and a very smart young sister leaving her to move silently through life. So, how did her life shape who she was as a parent?
Family Dynamic
Karen hints at her family dynamic throughout the duration of the interview and how these dynamics shaped her as a parent. She noted that while there was love in her home, it was not overt, saying, “it was old school. If you did something wrong it was called out. If you did something right it was ignored.”
To this day, she does not recall hearing "I love you" from her dad. Karen commented on how she did not feel the most supported unless it was athletically. This was where she shined in comparison to her sisters. Her mom drove them to any swim meet, or game, or match and would watch when they were competing. She even kept a folder of all the newspaper articles about her girls. However, Karen does not recall any “good jobs” but just criticisms for how they performed.
Her parents also were not the most involved academically despite one of them being a teacher. This taught her skills of self-reliance, independence, and the importance of structure and routine and staying under the radar.
Another important thing to note in the family dynamic was how the move to Charlotte was a result of her dad’s joining forces with another guy to open a forestry sales business. Her dad was responsible for the eastern shore which basically meant dad was gone during the week and mom was focused on her teaching when she and her sisters were home.
Early Years and Path to Education
When asked about her childhood, Karen expanded on causes of her social anxiety, her school years, and where she found her passions and how they taught her lessons she carries into today.
Karen mentioned her dislike of school multiple times which seemed to have started from a young age as she recalls skipping kindergarten, going to hide in the bushes of the church nearby so she did not have to sit and learn.
Another memory she recalled was in elementary school when she was responsible for the lunch money and had to go to her sister’s classroom to drop lunch money off for her sister.
Karen recalled, “I was scared to death to enter the classroom, so I left it on the floor by the door.”
She thinks that these were early signs of her social anxiety. She commented on how she struggled in group settings and when everyone’s looking at her. She believed that this came from a fear of disappointing people which meant she had something wrong.
More importantly, when speaking of her education, she noted that her parents had not expected her to graduate from high school let alone college. In college, Karen struggled with what to do and where to go. She knew athletics were her strength, but she also excelled in English and writing stories.
She was not strong in the sciences which was a reason for moving away from athletics. The most panicked thing in relation to a college class was a public speaking class that she ended up dropping.
Her reason being, “I did not go back after a couple of classes when I found out I had to speak in public.”
She had bounced around throughout a few different majors in college until a phone call from her dad that basically said, “shit or get off the pot.” In other words, pick a degree and get out. Ultimately, she earned an English degree and added education as a minor and went into high school teaching.
Ironically enough, she actually enjoyed the teaching side of education and really understood her students’ struggles in the classroom. While starting out in high school education, she eventually earned a masters in school administration and landed a role at the elementary level and loved the early learning aspect of the lower grades. With this transition, it had her reflecting about how she could stand out as she realized that no one in her family had a doctorate degree. Earning her doctorate was basically a quiet way for her to say, “I was not as dumb as anyone thought.”
Raising her Girls
As mentioned, Karen is a mother to three girls. During her daughters’ early years, she was extremely worried that her girls would not be close. This stemmed from her and her sisters being distant during their childhood. She wanted her daughters to be best friends no matter how far they were from each other. She wanted them to have togetherness. Another fear of hers was just how to raise girls. She noted how she was not raised as the “stereotypical” girl. She was raised more like the boy her dad never had. She stated, “Having girls scared the mess out of me. I wasn’t raised as a stereotypical girl. Sure we wore dresses, but I was also raised to weed the garden, mow the lawn. I was raised to work.”
She worried that she would not know how to raise girls. So, she led by example. She taught her girls important lessons and supported them no matter what. Her biggest lesson that she had hoped to instill her girls was to respect other people no matter what their background, clothes, car, or look. Her oldest daughter, Joan, stated, “Something I always admired about her was that neither she nor my dad ever really had to directly teach my sisters and I how to be kind and accepting. They always led by example. By default, they were kind and accepting to anyone, no matter where they came from or what their past was. They were just immediately respectful, and I’ve carried that into my adult life with me.”
Karen leads by example to teach her daughters how to live and interact with others. She wanted to instill self-advocacy in her girls,which was something she was not good at growing up. She also did not want them to let social anxiety hold them back or limit them. She worries for her children as all three have entered the adult world. She worries that they will not have confidence in themselves, and will not follow their passions.
When I asked her oldest daughter, Joan, how Karen helped her navigate life, she answered by saying, “She’s always been the voice in the back of my head telling me not to settle for something just because it’s easy and she’s always reminding me that I can be better if I want to be.” She also knows that, though she is concerned, there is nothing she can do about anything except support them. Karen wants her children to follow their passions and live the life they want. One thing that she wanted her kids to have that was different from her upbringing was the feeling of love. In her words, “When I had kids, I wanted them to feel loved, not just say 'hey I love you' but to feel it.” I asked her daughters to describe her parenting style for me. The middle child, Ellen, gave me an answer that connected to something Karen said in her interview. Ellen stated that Karen’s parenting style is “overbearingly supportive in a way that she never allowed us to see her be disappointed in us.”
Karen mentioned how she felt at times she could be overbearing or overstepping. But, from what I gathered from her daughters, it was everything they needed in life. Ellen even stated “her absolute support and acceptance in everything I did made it seem like I could face the world and survive.” Her kids only had positives to say about her parenting and about her which is a testament to how she changed the narrative and made sure her kids knew and felt love, support, and belief.
Closure
Society has changed in her years on earth. Old school parenting has been replaced with new wave parents to include parents who are friends with their kids. Even today, Karen notes that her parents are not her friends. As she added, “they are still my parents, criticizing me for wanting to go downstairs to ensure my adult kid is awake for her flight.” She views that as helping, or slightly overbearing, but she wants her kids to know that they will fall at times, but she also wants them to know they will never break on her watch.